I'll Be Home For Christmas

A lot of people are going skiing or sledding, or shopping for gifts. They might be traveling in airplanes or cars or trains to go visit their loved ones. They might be reading good books or playing fun video games. They might be making Christmas pies and treats to drop on the neighbor's doorstep.
I'm not. I'm sitting in my heated home, under a warm blanket and a warm dog, doing absolutely nothing. I like it like that.

Dandelion Seeds

"I hardly write anymore because I didn't want to disappoint you guys like I keep disappointing myself. I wanted you to think I'm strong. But I feel weak, and ignoring it isn't making it go away. Plus no one who reads this blog really cares anyway, like this post isn't going to change anyone's life. I'll post it, and it will be lost in cyberspace like a dandelion seed in the wind."

That was the very end of a long post I just wrote and decided not to publish. I wrote a lot just now, and I cried a lot too. I wrote about how I lost all hope. But I couldn't post it. Why not? I asked myself. Because I didn't want to solidify it--I didn't want to put the final stamp and signature on my Failure Certificate. And I think that's because I do have hope. Contrary to what I've been telling myself, I do have hope for life to get better, or I would have posted those things I wrote earlier today. Maybe I will feel better one day. On that day I'll write a killer blog post.

The 5th of December

I've never been one to hide my birthday. I love birthdays. I love singing and candles and family and sweet things. There is nothing better.
Everyone keeps asking, "What does it feel like to be 17?" I always say it feels the same, but that's not true. Today doesn't feel like yesterday, or the day before. Because I spend so much of my life worrying and overanalyzing and sometimes wishing I didn't have to live.
But one day a year, I get 24 hours to simply celebrate being alive, surrounded by the people who make it worth it.
Huge thanks to everyone who made my birthday so special. Family, friends, and internet stalkers alike. I love you guys.

Song Obsessions: November (& October)

I don't mind if there's not much to say.

Sometimes the silence guides our minds.

~Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood~

We live in cities you'll never see on screen,

Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things.

~Team by Lorde~

No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally,

I'm gonna love myself the way I want you to love me.

~Love Me by Katy Perry~

Without you I'm just lost, incomplete.

You feel like home to me.

~Falling In by Lifehouse~

ALSO: One Direction's new album, Midnight Memories, leaked online and it is fantastic. It's the biggest jam for a pop-rock lover such as I. I highly recommend it. It comes out November 25th.

The Giving Trees

My backyard smells like sawdust. It's sad. Good bye, poplars.

"I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something... but I have nothing left. I am an old stump. I am sorry..."

"I don't need very much now," said the boy, "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."

"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."

~The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

Father Time Is a Fast Runner

I just keep being forced to grow up faster than I want to. Every day there's something new I have to figure out.
As you know, I've been working at a real job the past month. Some days it's good, some days my feet hurt and it's hard. Once I received my first paycheck my feet hurt a little less. But this week they're hurting a lot, because I have to work from 3:00-10:00 on my mom's birthday. I'm missing the whole party. So lame.
Also, last week I went to the doctor to get some medicine for another stye on my eye, and the conversation led to the doctor telling me I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's a permanent condition that I'll have to battle my entire life, which sucks. Then I went over to the hospital and had my blood drawn for the first time in my life. This week I'm supposed to find out my blood test results. It's kind of nerve-wracking. This all probably sounds really dumb to all of you (all 3 of my readers), but it's been a growing up experience for me.

To all of you little girls out there: Don't wish to grow up! It's 500% less fun than it looks. Enjoy where you are. Being a kid is rad.

Honest Work, Unjust Reward.

It's been a rough time the past few weeks. I'm so used to doing everything slowly and enjoying moments in the late afternoon of laziness and reflection. But this school year, for some reason, I decided it would be a good idea to join three clubs, take time-consuming classes, and get a job. I'm now regretting a lot of those decisions.
Last week I got a job at the super ghetto gas station McDonalds. I told myself at the beginning of this year that I would never get such a job. However, after job hunting for months and turning in what felt like thousands of applications, I was desperate, and I was tired of being so poor.
In all of my interviews before, they asked me lots of questions about various scenarios that have happened to me or that might happen to me, like they were analyzing my every future move in advance. I carefully and lovingly chose every answer, but I was rejected at all three interviews nonetheless. At my interview at McDonalds, there were none of those questions. With a fly sitting on her overly hairsprayed bangs, my manager simply asked me what times I could work, and then sent me off to orientation where I was given a stack of legal documents and I signed my life away to a cheap franchise. There was no satisfaction in getting that job. I didn't have to do anything but spell my name. All of the places with standards didn't want me. It came down to the lowest of the low, and I'm still asking myself why I settled for it.
Friday was my first day of work. My friends made fun of me at school. "I'd rather be broke than work there," they said, laughing. I know they didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but I was sad because I felt like I didn't have a choice.
When I arrived at work for the first time, my manager gave me and ill-fitting, ripped, used uniform to wear for the remainder of my servitude. I put it on in the dingy gas station bathroom and then swept the lobby because my manager literally did not train me or look like she was ever going to train me at all. Luckily after about half an hour my friend from school showed up and took me under her wing. She actually helped me start to figure out what to do and how to do my job. (Drive Thru and dish washing. Gotta love it.) Everyone who works there is a kind of scary and it's so disorganized and everyone kept calling me Chloe. It was a miserable four hours, and my new life there has only just begun.
Is this really worth it?

TBT

There are a lot of things I regret.

...But I do not regret this day.

Not even for a minute.

Song Obsessions: September

I lost my iPod. It's the worst thing that can happen to a person.
But thanks to the internet, here are September's song obsessions... three days late. #teenybopperalert

If I would have known that you wanted me

The way I wanted you,

Then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart,

But right here in each other's arms.

~Almost Is Never Enough by Ariana Grande & Nathan Sykes~

I never meant to start a war,

I just wanted you to let me in.

~Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus~

I didn't feel the fairytale feeling.

Am I a stupid girl

For even dreaming that I could?

~Not Like the Movies by Katy Perry~

You only know you've been high when you're feeling low.

You only miss the sun when it starts to snow.

~Let Her Go by Passenger~

A Beautiful Sunrise

(written 9/26/13)
It's probably painfully obvious to you all what a terrible month I've had. I chose not to post much about it so my blog doesn't turn into depression central like it did in 8th grade.
However, I'm back, and I do want to talk about yesterday.
Because yesterday started out with such a beautiful sunrise. It was probably the most beautiful that I've ever seen, and it was in its finest moment just as I walked out the door to go to school. That sunrise has become very symbolic for me. After weeks filled with hardship, that sunrise yesterday morning was the first moment of my changed life. I recieved two random kind texts from friends, and another brought me ice cream. (I hadn't told anyone what was going on. They did these things randomly.) Good things kept happening throughout the day: probably more good things than had happened the entire month. I hadn't felt so peaceful and spiritually uplifted in a long time. I know all of thise girls were prompted to do what they did.
Two days ago I had lost all hope. But just like they say in Les Miserables, even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

Sadie

The girls in my ward have been bugging me to ask someone to Sadie Hawkins. They clearly don't know me because 1. I never talk to boys. And 2. I'm that girl that if I asked someone, they would say yes out of courtesy but secretly be so embarassed and would hate it. I don't need to confirm my status as that girl.

Sorry

I realize that I wrote a really short, negative post and then dropped off the face of the earth for two weeks. I apologize. I hope to make it up to you. ...But not today. I promise eventually I will think of something uplifting or interesting to say. The past few weeks have been really stressful and there's a lot of tension in my life right now, but I promise I'm not done blogging!

Thanks A Lot.

Braden caught a cold last week, and I prayed to God I wouldn't get sick. Braden's cold lasted a few days, but I knew if I caught it that it would last at least 2 weeks. (Thanks, crappy immune system.) I prayed fervently for days. And you know what happened? Last night I didn't sleep a wink because of all the congestion in my head.
Aaand school starts tomorrow. Awesome.

Never & Always

I can't remember a time when I wasn't obsessed with my big sister Kayla. She played Barbies with me and painted my toenails.. She read me books almost every night, which I loved (except The Witches by Roald Dahl. That book is terrifying). She let me climb in her bed a time or two after I had a nightmare even though she HATED it. Growing up I literally thought she was the most beautiful person in the world. Whenever I heard her complain about herself I was shocked because in my eyes she was perfect and I would have given anything to grow up to be just like her.
Over the years as I have gotten older and more mature we have become the best of friends. When she first moved out and got married she would take me on adventures or we would go to plays or rent movies. A few more years passed and she had Andrea. For my entire sophomore year I would walk home from school to her house instead of mine every Monday. She fed me a snack and we talked about our lives, played with Annie, and watched recorded episodes of Once Upon a Time.
This summer it all changed when she had her second child, Samuel, and moved away from Orem and up into South Salt Lake. My heart broke.
This week, with the anxieties of school building back up, I became lonely and frustrated that she wouldn't be there to see me through the next year. I resented the eight year gap between us. If we were closer in age, I could have spent a lot more time with her during these years. But because we are so far apart, she has to keep growing up and moving on and doing bigger things than hang out with me. I was down in the dumps and I wished I had a sister my age who could sit on my bed and tell me everything is going to be okay.
But then last night a funny thing happened. I was fresh out of the shower and I texted Hannah (my friend/neighbor who I grew up with) about a cut I had on my elbow. Minutes later, she came into my room with a box of Disney princess band aids. She stayed for a while and we talked about clothes and girly things. When she left and I tucked myself into bed, I thought about how grateful I was for Hannah Cox. She really is like the little sister I never had... but always had.

I'm so grateful for all of the people in my life. Not just my family, but also the people who have become family to me. We are all put in each others' lives for a reason. I know there is a reason for the eight year gap between Kayla and I. Her maturity got me through SO MUCH, especially in my early teen years. She will always be an important person in my life, even until we are crinkly old women, and I look forward to that. And I know someday when I am a crinkly old woman I will tell my grandkids about the Coxes and how awesome they are. Someday I may not remember The Witches by Roald Dahl or Disney princess band aids, but I will always remember how much all of these beautiful people mean to me.

Song Obsessions: August

I'm pretty into some pop rock/pop alternative bands lately. These are some of my fave.

Old, but I'm not that old;

Young, but I'm not that bold.

~Counting Stars by OneRepublic~

The memory is rising fast,

It's seeping in through every crack.

Funny how it all comes back

When you're trying to forget it.

~Hurricane by Parachute~

It's stuff like this that makes me wish that I could change somehow.

Sitting here at home it's obvious

She's so out of reach, and I'm finding it hard

Cause she makes me feel like I'm trying too hard.

~Try Hard by 5 Seconds of Summer~

Let them wonder how we got this far,

But I don't really need to wonder at all,

Cause after all this time I'm still into you.

~Still Into You by Paramore~

This last one doesn't go with the theme, but I love it to death.

You built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I'm gonna try.
~Beneath Your Beautiful by Labrinth feat. Emeli Sande~

Choice Crazy Teen Award

Do you ever have moments when you honestly feel like you're going insane? Because that's how I felt yesterday: literally crazy. I was standing on a porch in my pajamas, pacifying myself with an old Slurpee straw so I wouldn't bite my hand or rip off my fingernails, and I could of sworn I was falling off my rocker.

But let's back it up a bit.
I get really excited for things. I look at what life has to offer, pick something, and obsess over it. And this summer, like many summers before, I picked the Teen Choice Awards. I voted religiously. I told my family weeks in advance that on August 11th I claimed the TV at 7:00. When August 11th came, I was pumped up and ready to squeal on the couch for two hours. One Direction were opening the show this year.

My entire family was over for dinner, even my adult siblings and their families. At 6:55 I went downstairs and typed "13" into the remote. It was fuzzy. FOX 13 was fuzzy. I surfed through more channels, hoping, but hardly any of our channels would work. "MOM WHAT DO I DO!?" I yelled upstairs, "SOMEONE HELP ME!" I was in a panic. I couldn't miss the opening number. Janell and Braden started goofing off with the TV, trying to see what they could do, but apparently they were doing it too slowly because I became even more frustrated. At 7:10 my freak out mode was activated. I had been so excited for this for months only to have a stupid fuzzy TV. I was yelling at my siblings and telling them to fix it, but it was obvious they couldn't. My brother-in-law Paul was rolling his eyes at me and that's when I realized my behavior did not look rational at all. I left the room, went upstairs, and sat on the living room couch. I started crying. I knew, logically, that something like the TCAs shouldn't be such a big deal, but I couldn't brush away the overwhelming feeling of disappointment that the past 4 months had led up to. My parents came in and started messing with the old TV upstairs. It didn't work either. Mom used my phone to call Comcast and she was on the phone for 45 minutes to no avail. When I got my phone back, I texted Ally and vented about how upset I was. She told me I could come over to her house and watch it.

So there I was at 8:30, August 11th: standing on a porch in my pajamas, pacifying myself with an old Slurpee straw so I wouldn't bite my hand or rip off my fingernails, and I could of sworn I was falling off my rocker.
They let me in and Ally's brothers gave me weird looks while I curled up on the couch and continued to chew on my straw. I felt like I was 2 years old. I watched the last 30 minutes of the TCAs and after it was over I walked into the kitchen to get a drink of water. Ally asked if I liked the show. Even though I didn't really get to see any of the people I had hoped to, it still helped to at least watch some of it. Ally painted my nails raspberry red with gel polish. I was still a little out of it, but after sitting in her kitchen for a few hours just talking and painting, I felt a world better.
Ally totally saved my sanity last night.
...But just in time for me to have won the Choice Crazy Teen award from everyone in my family. I think they're traumatized.

Instrumental

I've been struggling with some things recently, and sometimes I feel like I'm alone in my hardships. It's difficult to ask for help. I don't want to be a bother, or to seem too vulnerable. And sometimes I'm just thinking, Come on, God, throw me a bone. Because sometimes I just need an extra boost to keep me going. After a few weeks of feeling that way, on Sunday evening it turned around. I recieved two notes and a plate of cookies from some of my friends. I am reminded that God works through people and if I try to help others the best I can, I, too, can be an instrument in His hands.

The Loves of My Life

I've never seen so many teenage girls in one place. We were smashed together, all trying to squeeze into the building at once. I'd been standing outside for what seemed like ages, and it took just about as long to get into the doors of the Maverick center, but I was buzzing. I had literally waited a year and a half to come here and see One Direction in concert.
Ally was never a huge fan like I am. She knows a few of their songs, but she just came with me because I asked her to back when the tickets came on pre-sale. Don't get me wrong, she had a good time, but at first when we were trying to get in the building, she looked less than delighted. I was delighted, though. I had spent all of the days before daydreaming about impossible scenarios of what could happen on the most magical day of my life so far. Even though some of those things would never happen, it still got my emotions stirred up enough to be more than ecstatic to see them.
Eventually we found our seats and about an hour and a half later, after the opening act was finished and there had been a period of setting up the stage behind the curtain, the lights went out.
You could feel everyone tense up and we all pulled out our cameras.
The curtain rose, music started playing, and bright lights came on. A door rose and you could see 5 pairs of feet. I'm usually a quiet person, but I've never felt anything like that before--it was like I physically could not stop screaming.

They sang beautifully, and they looked even more attractive in person than in pictures. I couldn't rip my eyes from the stage. It was like my senses were in freak out mode, and I wanted to take in every detail. I had spent all of this time ever since 2011 seeing them on on a screen; they had seemed so mythical... But now their light bounced directly into my eyes, nothing in between. It felt like, even across a sea of girls, I could reach out and touch Harry's curly hair.

(Fangirling is hard work... it'd pretty physically and emotionally tiring, and you can't make yourself stop.)
The rest of the concert was just as amazing. For the first time in a long while, I wasn't self-concious. I didn't care what my dance moves looked like or how tone deaf I sounded or what my problems in life were; I was just happy.

The next day I had concert hangover: slightly deaf, sore, scratchy throat, and still getting emotional and/or crying every time One Direction came on my iPod. Ridiculous, I know... But right then it felt like they were the loves of my life.

Calming

Interviews

Oh, how I awaited the looming days of what I thought was freedom. I was excited to drive to work and save up for college with my paycheck and buy shoes with the extra. It sounded like a grand adventure.
Five applications and two interviews later, I'm still jobless, and actually becoming a little scared.
My second interview was a group interview with five other girls. It was nerve racking. I'm afraid I'll end up working at fast food with a bunch of scary people because there's too much competition for the normal places.

Song Obsessions: July

I am a dedicated Pandora user. It is my favorite radio, but this month I've been cheating on it a little bit... with Grooveshark. Aside from that, enjoy this assortment of pop, country, and whatever that last one is.

I'm thinking I was born in the wrong time.

It's like a rewind, living in a world gone plastic,

Baby, you're so classic.

~Classic by MKTO~

Recently I've had a healthy Hunter Hayes obsession. This song is my #1 fave.

I could be so good at loving you,

But only if you told me to.

~If You Told Me To by Hunter Hayes~

Never thought it'd be you I would always need.

~Can't Help by Parachute~

This next song is not my usual style, but some reason, I'm in love with it. I don't even know what genre it is.

I climbed the tree to see the world.

When the gusts came around to blow me down,

I held on as tightly as you held onto me.

~To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra~

For Half of Summer

This summer, so far, I:

• Watched Netflix in between loads of laundry.
• Turned in job applications.
• Went to a stressful job interview.
• Helped my sister move 40 miles away from me.
• Cried the next morning because I already missed her. 
• Discovered new music.
• Complained that I've never been on a date.
• Pushed away the only one willing to take me on one.
• Got mad at my best friend for meddling in my love life.
• Had a big fight with my best friend.
• Went to the mall by myself.
• Coveted everything at Forever Young Shoes.
• Went swimming with my wardies.
• Watched Monsters University and Safe Haven. 
• Loved them both.
• Did yard work [by force].
• Watched the 1995 Dream Cast Les Miserables concert on YouTube.
• Painted my toenails a beautiful shade of lilac.
• Harassed my dad into fixing my shower head so it would stop spraying over the door.
• Took a shower without having to mop up afterwards.
• Went to the book club.
• Heard stories of when all of the ladies at book club had their children.
• [It's a hot topic for them.]
• Thought about the upcoming school year.
• Played Rock Band and ate slushees with my family.
• Texted my sister random pictures of everything. 
• Tweeted about how slow our internet is being. 
• Didn't blog because of how slow our internet is being.

One more half of summer to go.

Prone To Wander

One of my favorite hymns of all time, that isn't actually in the LDS Hymn book (I don't know why), is Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. I randomly found this song stuck in my head after church today. It was never mentioned or sang, but I suddenly couldn't stop thinking about it.
I especially love the third verse. It says,
"Oh to grace, how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be.
Let that grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Oh take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above."

Lately I've been doing a lot of wandering... and a lot of messing up. But today I knelt down in prayer for the first time in a while and it felt like the words of this song. I know I've made a lot of mistakes, but I'm going to keep trying to stay close to my Heavenly Father. I need more strength right now than ever before, and I'm grateful to know that "in his strength, I can do all things." (Alma 26:12)

I Understand Peter Pan

I had girls camp last week, so my parents waited to put me on the car insurance. Monday this week was the first time I've driven alone. It was the
perfect moment. I played "Better Together" by Jack Johnson, just like I'd always planned, and my little silver Neon seemed to fly. I've never felt so free. I was feeling on top of the world and pretty big at that moment.

Now it's Wednesday, and today I started job hunting. I filled in applications for ShopKo, Target, and Macey's.
(if any of you have a suggestion of a great place to work that hires 16 year olds, let me know! I would really appreciate it!)
It was scary. I drove on big roads and talked to people who already have jobs. I filled out my applications to say I have no work experience.
Honestly, as excited as I am to move on with my life, the real world is really intimidating, and growing up is hard.
Today, I'm feeling pretty small.

The Pursuit of Happiness

The idea of 'the pursuit of happiness' frustrates me. You spend your entire life pursuing, and none of your life happy. Why go on a conquest to a mythical, idealogical world that you will never reach? Earthly life will never be perfect. Things will go wrong, you will have faults, but you have to learn that THAT'S OKAY. Look for the good in your life. Count your blessings, serve others, and forget about perfection. Here's an idea: you don't have to wait to be happy!

So don't waste your time in the pursuit of happiness.
Stop pursuing.

Be happy right now.

I Will Go, I Will Do.

Yesterday was one of those Sundays when I was feeling really run down, and I was not in the mood to get dressed and go to church. But despite my negative attitude, it seemed every single talk had something I needed to hear. That evening I also had a camp fireside. The same thing happened; those talks changed my entire perspective on how girls camp is going to be this week.

So I'm deciding here and now... When I grow up and I'm on my own someday, I will go to church even when I don't want to, because those seem to be the days when I learn the most.

A Little Girl Grew Up Too Fast

So, sorry I dropped off the face of the blog world for two weeks.
A LOT has happened in that amount of time, especially this week, but the internet connection for our PC is broken, and blogging on my Nook is impossible.
Last week I was basically home alone all the time and I started to get a bit crazy. I had several arguments with family members when my family was actually home.

The next week got way crazier. I rode my bike over to the school every morning for roaring. I felt like a big girl because of my bike lock key that I carried on my keychain. I've never really consistently used keys before. Roading was super easy because I had a lot of practice with my Dad. The other girl in my car was an amateur, but she still did better on the test because I drove more like people drive in real life. Whoops.
On Tuesday night I had to babysit my niece and sleep on my sister and bro-in-law's squeaky bed. I slept kind of terribly that night. The next morning my new nephew, Samuel Paul, was born. I went and visited them in the hospital with my family. My mom took a picture of everyone holding Sam except me. I held him and I was there, but I guess Sam will never know because there's no picture! If he ever reads this... I promise I'm a supportive aunt!!! Yeah, but that's basically how I feel in my family 75% of the time. Out of place.
The next day, on Thursday, I passed my driving test and got my license. That was pretty exciting, but scary at the same time. I'm really pumped to start becoming more independent, but terrified to grow up.

This weekend I was pretty emotional about it all. I feel like my entire life has changed all at once. I was a little girl what seems like days ago, and suddenly I'm plugging a key into a car and taking off on my own. And it really is on my own. My sister is going to be too busy with two kids, and in a few weeks she's moving to Salt Lake City. She's my best friend and I don't know how I'll survive without her.

I have a hard enough time with one little bit of change. With change everywhere now... I'm frightened.

Song Obsessions: June

Let your words be anything but empty.

Why don't you tell them the truth?

Say what you want to say

And let the words fall out.

Honestly, I want to see you be brave.

~Brave by Sara Bareilles~

Why are we acting like lovers?
We don't know each other,
Even though we used to rule the world.
Why are you singing me love songs?
What good is a love song without the love?

~Without the Love by Demi Lovato~

Loooooove this cover:

Cause I don't want to lose you now,
I'm looking right at the other half of me.
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold.
~Mirrors by Justin Timberlake, covered by Boyce Avenue feat. Fifth Harmony~

If you could see me now would you recognize me?
Would you pat me on the back of would you criticize me?
~If You Could See Me Now by The Script~

the girl with long hair.

I didn't cut my hair for an entire year. It was long, and people never noticed that my split ends had split ends. "I can tell you take really good care of your hair," they'd say. I would smile, say thank you, and then internally laugh because of how much of a mess my hair actually was. I DID notice my split ends, and was dreadfully watching them break for months.
This week I finally had it trimmed. The nice lady snipping away at the bottoms of my "luscious locks" made a comment I have not since forgotten. She laughed and said, "Your hair is so long that when you get it cut people probably don't notice. You're still the girl with long hair."
I haven't stopped thinking about that simple remark. Even though my life continues to shift and change over the years, I'm still me. No pair of scissors can change that.

Thanks, Joey.

This week I got my first little job of the summer; I'm in charge of taking care of my friend's pets while her family is vacationing in Cali.
It has been a bit of a struggle, but it's been worth it.

When the week started out, I realized I didn't want to walk 4 blocks twice a day to feed the animals, so I somehow got my bike down from the rafters of the garage. I hadn't ridden it in probably a year, but there really was nothing else I could do. I liked riding the yellow bike. The wind in my hair. The fast trip across the ward boundaries. But that first day was  e x h a u s t i n g.  My quads were working hard and let's not even discuss the state of my butt by the end of that day.
Taking care of the cat and the turtle has been no problem at all. The giant lab, however, is a different story. His name is Joey. He poops ten pounds a day and sheds like you've never seen. His water bucket is heavy and the hose in their yard is possessed. I also have to take him on walks, which is more like Joey taking me on a drag.

This week has been full of work and other things. I've babysat, scooped poop, ridden my bike through screaming muscles, sweat (a lot), scooped food, washed clothes, pined over new clothes, downloaded music, continued to ride my bike, and my freckles have darkened quite a bit.

At the beginning of the week I restarted my ongoing quest to find happiness. The last week of May was probably the third or fourth worst week of my life. I was feeling lower than low, but I was sick of it. So I made a goal list, and I cut my hair. But the final thing that helped me out was this week's job.
Taking care of Joey has kept me busy. It forced me to get out of the house and actually do something with myself before I ended up damaging myself.

Even though on Sunday night I thought this week would be less than pleasurable, I'm still here on Thursday, and I realize that I don't feel sad. My friends still don't call me and I still need a new swim suit, but for the first time in a while, the little details aren't getting to me as much anymore. I don't know how it happened, but now that I find myself here, I hope I can stay. Thanks, Joey, for changing my life.

Snapshots: What's Up

A truck casually destroying the field behind my house:

Me trying to ice skate and failing:

(this picture was taken just as my skates turned and I ran into the wall)

Monday's hair:

(Sorry for the crappy quality on all of these. My cell phone struggles to take decent pictures.)

Make a Wish

Today was the last day of school / yearbook day. I was feeling pretty decent this morning; I was relieved that the school year is finally over. To be completely honest, I kind of hate high school. There are a lot of days when everyone is mean and the homework is hard and I'm really not looking forward to going back. It feels like a prison / asylum / outer darkness. Too bad I'm only a sophomore.
Anyway, I walked to school by myself at 7:20, like usual, to discover that today school doesn't start until 8:45, and we didn't even have classes. I met up with Ale when she got out of ARC, but then I remembered something super important. I had a school fee for a class that I only had one day because of schedule changes at the beginning of the year, which I had totally forgotten to take care of earlier. (You can't get your yearbook if you have fines.) Ale cooperatively followed me to the financial office, where we found a  g i a n t  line that looked something like this:

There really was no other option than to stand in it.  You can't just pay $50 for a yearbook to not get one. We stood in line for a little over 45 minutes. It was boiling hot. It should be illegal to put that many body heat producing people in the same room. When I made it to the window, I told the lady about my unnecessary fine. 

"Okay," she said as she punched numbers into her computer, "but you still have a library fine."

Library fine??! I never get books from the school library.

When she told me which book it was, the light came on. I checked it out during one of those English class days when the teacher says everyone has to check out a book for book reports, but you never actually read it because you already have a different book to fulfill the assignment. Yeah. That one. Apparently that stupid book I never even read built up a nice little pile of fines.

"Go get the book and bring it back," the office lady said to me. And with that, I was out of the line and walking down the hallway towards the doors. I remembered where that book was, so I walked home. I retrieved the book and some money, changed my shoes, and walked all the way back to the school just in time to see an even BIGGER line and the student council members beginning to unpack the yearbooks.

For the next hour and a half, everyone scurried around with Sharpies, giggling and writing their signatures all over their peers' books. All I did was stand in line. Brenda, Ale, and Sarah went to get Brenda's crush's signature, people started filtering out of the school, and I stood in line. I filled out the form for overdue books while I waited. Ale held my place for me so I could retrieve my yearbook (they didn't even check for fines), but the entire time I only got a whopping four signatures. Out of my school of 1500 kids, I got four signatures today. You can call me Miss Popular. All I did was stand in line for a really, really long time. My feet were killing me and I felt like crap by the time I made it to the window AGAIN. I held out my hand, on which was perched the book, the form, and the money. 

"I'm sorry," she said, "You need a stamp from the library."

I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. This was absurd. "You mean I have to stand in this line AGAIN?" I inquired, shocked, "I've stood in it twice today!"

"That's just how things work around here," she replied.

I walked into the library. My palms felt hot. I cannot stand in that line again. No one had told me I needed a dumb stamp. Heck, no one warned me that school books have late fines in the first place! I was frustrated beyond belief. I turned in my book and got my stamp.

"Is there any way I could pay my fines here?" I asked the librarian hopefully, but I was turned down. I walked away from the librarian's desk and towards my friends who were sitting at one of the tables. "What did she say?" they asked. I have never felt so frustrated. I started crying.

I sat down at the chair next to them, buried my face in my hands, and cried for a good few minutes. I cannot stand in that line again. Sarah and Brenda disappeared one by one and soon it was just Ale and I. We talked as I cooled down.

"11:11 make a wish," Ale said dully.

"I wish my life didn't suck," I pouted. 

She laughed at that, and we decided to check and see how long the line was and discovered it to be slightly shorter. Ale's mom came to pick her up. Now that my feet were rested and I was done crying, I stood in line for about 15 minutes and FINALLY got everything taken care of. The not-so-nice lady at the desk handed me a small piece of chocolate and I went home.

Man, I hate high school.

Sayonara

Today was finals day for B1, B2, and B3. It seems a little weird to think that I will never go back to those classes again, but I'm not sad. Last year I was sad because I would miss my friends. Now I only have a few friends that I go to school with, and they kind of have their own agenda. They're not ones to take time out of their day for me (unless they agree to a photoshoot because they want a new profile picture). But that's fine, I mean, we're growing up, right? We're becoming individuals. Anyway I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of this summer alone, doing online classes, reading, driving, and working. And I've learned to be okay with that.
Sayonara 10th grade.

Fresh Fruit

I'm sure it's obvious enough that I wasn't having a good day yesterday, but it ended up being good.
Turns out my [over] 72 hour headache ended just in time for me to go to a concert... thank the heavens above for that. I went to the Orem High choir concert (basically all of my friends from jr. high go there). I'm not going to transfer out of Timpanogos, but sometimes I really miss those kids. They are such gems, and they greeted me so warmly last night. There were people that hardly spoke to me at CVJH, but now that I go to a different school, they seemed ecstatic to see me, as if we've been friends all along. It made me think, maybe more people noticed me than I thought. I always felt rather invisible, but I continue to be surprised at how many people know my name.
Also, I felt happy. I felt happy because I felt new. Being with all these people from my past, I realized how I different I am. No matter how much of a loser I have felt like recently, I'm definitely less of one since last year. I've grown and learned so many new things. Heck, I'd say I've learned more stuff in my classes this year than any other year of school. It was refreshing to see myself from that perspective. Not as a forgotten, dried up and rotting fruit, but one freshly picked from the tree and put in a decorative bowl with the others. You can laugh at that all you want... I'm feeling fresh.

A Certain Kind of Pain

I've had a headache for three days straight.
Last week I developed a stye in my eye (deja vu), and it soon reached the point when my right eye was hurting so much that it gave me a headache.
It hasn't gone away.
My eye feels pretty good after I've been medicating it for days, but the headache seems to have made itself comfortable in my poor throbbing head.

This has made all of my end-of-the-year projects and tests a huge struggle this week. Yesterday I was more worn out than ever. I couldn't do anything that involved thinking, even after taking an Ibuprofen. I slept on the couch for a while, was awakened by my brother's loud friends, and didn't feel any better (which is weird; usually a nap fixes everything).
Today wasn't much different. I plodded through my classes, and the only really brain-straining thing I did was write a poem called "Anxious Heart." Finally in B4 Digital Photo after a long day at school, the teacher was cramming information into our heads the entire class period in preparation for the test.
I looked at my reflection in my computer screen, and I've never seen such pain in my eyes. It wasn't how I see myself washing my make-up off after crying, it was more like the weight of the world. I SAW the pounding in my head shining through my face. It bounced from the image of me into my pupils and back into my throbbing brain. It was sharp, and it hurt. I looked away.

I wonder if there are people out there who feel that every time they look in the mirror. I can't even imagine that kind of pain.

Song Obsessions: May

I'd like to welcome all of my 5 sweet followers to this blog's first Song Obsessions post. (If you read this blog and aren't officially following, I invite you to press the "join this site" button down below on the right. Thanks!) --->

Do your knees go weak?

Does you tongue get twisted?

Are you afraid to close your eyes

Cause you might miss this?

~Rocketship by Shane Harper~

You think it feels right, but you don't know.

You've got everything  you wanted, but you're not sure.

You can say what you please, if that's all that you need

To believe it's getting better, you can blame it on me.

~Blame It On Me by Parachute~

It feels just like it was yesterday

We were in love, why's it falling apart?

I've never been one to walk away,

But I've had enough and it's breaking my heart.

~Bad by The Cab~

I could have saved so much time for us

Had I seen the way to get to where I am today.

~I'd Rather Be With You by Joshua Radin~

Grateful.

I've put up a lot of walls lately. Sometimes I laugh about serious things to hide how I actually feel, and I often poke fun at myself. I try to pretend to be tough; I want people to see me as strong, unlike they did in the past. It gets harder and harder to open up as the years pass.
Every once in a while, though, I just need someone to see through the mask. I need someone to know that I'm not always okay, and to simply tell me to keep going. I'm grateful for those than can and aren't afraid to do that.

No One Cares

I think that one of the most relevant lessons I've learned this year is that no one really cares.

There isn't any use in constantly complaining about your life to other people; 87% of the time they couldn't care less.
Don't be constantly self-conscious. No one is judging you, they're hardly even paying attention to you at all.
You can't expect your friends to do anything for you. Most people won't drop everything for you, so don't set yourself up for disappointment.

It's just one of those things in life that you can't avoid. Everyone is selfish, and that's a fact. So stop worrying about what other people can do for you, or if other people like you. Ultimately, the only person who will always be there to take care of you is yourself. Learn how to keep yourself in line. Teach yourself how to be happy. Because if you don't care, then absolutely no one else on Earth does.

Bitterness

I didn't really have any friend drama all year... until last week.
I felt betrayed by one of my best friends.

She was having a mini romance with one of my old enemies.

And that was not okay with me.

I mean, best friends are supposed to dislike the same people, but by the way she talked about him constantly, I could tell her feelings were the contrary.

Deep down, I knew it was stupid to be mad. 

I knew that there was nothing I could do about it, or nothing I could say that wouldn't come off as totally selfish. And part of it was for a selfish reason. I didn't want her to like someone I didn't like, and I didn't want her to have a successful friendship with someone I struggled and failed to have one with. But the other part of me was concerned for her. He is a shady character, and I was worried about what might become of her little flirtationship. He had hurt people before, so why wouldn't he hurt her?

Despite all of these feelings, I said nothing. I was frustrated by how hard it was just to merely tell her how I was feeling. It's irritating that just because of dumb past experiences that I have moved on from and almost forgotten, I still carry the burden of mistrust.

All day Friday and Saturday, she and I hardly spoke a word. But Saturday night at a party, we had a nice heart-to-heart. Turns out, she didn't even know the story of my ugly past with her new friend. I apologized for my behavior and told her she can be friends with whomever she wants. 

It feels so much better to resolve things, rather than let the bitterness boil inside you.

Thriving

I  T H R I V E  off of teacher compliments.
I had a great day today.

My drawing teacher told me she wanted me in advanced art and that I was doing a really good job on my perspective drawing. (This time I used a stool instead of the floor so my legs wouldn't fall asleep.) So I was already in a good mood when I walked down to choir.
When I arrived, I noticed the lists for next year's choirs were posted by the door. I tried out for A Capella, and I made it (as an alto, which is my favorite). I thought back to the day of my audition, when Durtschi stopped me in the hall to tell me I sang beautifully. I was feeling extremely pleased and pretty on top of the world in my cobalt blue skinny jeans and delighted smile.
As I walked in the room, I heard Mr. Durtschi exclaim, "Tess!" and he walked toward where I stood.
"You weren't at callbacks!" he lamented as he wiped an invisible tear.
I was surprised, as I didn't know callbacks even happened. "I didn't know of this," I said with a bashful smile.
"I had you on my list for Chamber callbacks," he explained. He seemed bummed that I didn't show up.
I bet my heart skipped three beats.
You see, A Capella is the big advanced choir at our school. Chamber Choir is the smaller, super top dawg choir. I merely signed up to audition for A Capella, but apparently he wanted me in Chamber, despite what I wrote on my audition paper.
I said, "Well, I still have senior year after next year!" I wasn't upset that I wasn't in Chamber for junior year because of my ignorance regarding callbacks; after all, I wanted to be in A Capella anyway. But I have never been more honored. I can still hardly believe it.
"You better stick with me!" Durtschi told me, but he didn't need to. I know I will always take choir.

This Place

There's a place nearby that is forever changing. People walk by it every day. They assume they're seeing the same place, and  they don't stop to think about how different it is. The grass may look the same as it has every year, but it's not the same grass. The grass that was there two months ago, let alone two years ago, has already been cut and replaced by newer blades. The air there has swept in, circulated, and been blown away to be replaced by fresh gusts coming down from the mountains. Just because a field is in the same location every time you walk by it doesn't mean the field itself is the same as it last was.
Everything about it has changed.
This place is me.

My Most Embarassing Moment

Today, I experienced my most embarrassing moment in high school thus far.

I was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the hall during A1 Drawing. We were drawing the hallway, so I had been sitting cross-legged for about 45 minutes. My legs were asleep and starting to hurt. Not the tingly kind of hurt, but the there's-absolutely-no-blood-circulating-through-my-legs kind of hurt. Suddenly, the bell rang to go to A2. Crap, I thought, I have to stand up now. I gathered my things and shifted my body slightly. My legs were definitely asleep.
People were now out of classrooms and filtering into the hall. I quickly stood up, but it felt strange. Usually when my foot is asleep, it is numb but I still kind of have control of it and a sense of its dimensions, and that's how my right leg felt. However, it felt like my left leg was GONE... like I didn't even have a left leg. I looked down at my feet. My left foot was twisted the wrong direction. I was pretty freaked out, and I tried to straighten my foot, but it was as if my brain could no longer control my leg at all. My crooked foot would not move. I remembered I didn't have much time to get across the school to my next class, so I stepped forward. Kind of. The instant I lifted my right foot, my useless left leg gave way and I collapsed on the ground.
People were swarming the hall intersection where I lay on the ground. It felt like the scene in The Lion King when Mufasa is trampled by wildebeests.

People stepped all around me. I couldn't just wait there on the ground; I had to get to my class. I started  c r a w l i n g  across the floor, holding all of my stuff on one arm and dragging my limp leg behind me. When I finally made it through the busy hall intersection and into the art hall, I took hold of the wall and stood up. My left leg was literally flopping around every which way, so I was limping on my completely numb right leg, holding a bunch of art supplies, and sliding my left shoulder awkwardly against the wall as I walked. My classmates all passed me and gave me funny looks without saying a word.
I eventually made it into the Drawing room, retrieved my backpack, and walked trudged down to my A2 once my legs were again functional.

I'm already laughing about the experience now, but right after it happened, I was pretty traumatized.

Without a Purpose

My brother Steven came over a few days ago.
I was hanging out with Ally at my house. Mom and Dad were out shopping when he walked in the door and announced his presence with "Hello!"
The three of us sat at the kitchen table and ate crackers while we talked about his new house. It was all small talk about Steve's life (he likes to talk about himself) until he went to the bathroom and Ally and I relocated onto the couch.
A few minutes later, we were all talking again in the family room. But for some reason, this time, we started talking about religion.
I am LDS. Steven, on the contrary, is atheist.
He told me all about silly studies and statistics, trying to prove that we don't have divine spirits. I nodded at what he had to say, but I found it all a little sad. He talked about how he doesn't need the church in his life. I thought, I do. What I said was, "If I didn't have the knowledge of the gospel in my life, and the sense of purpose that comes with it, I would be dead because I would have committed suicide by now." And that is 100% true. If I didn't know that I am a spirit with divine worth that will go on to live forever after this life, I would have given up already. What would be the point in living on this earth without a purpose?
He didn't seem very shaken by my statement, but I was, and I started to cry. Even an hour after the conversation, silent tears still puddled under my eyes. Why live without a purpose? I'm so grateful I have one.

I'm also extremely grateful for the opportunity I have to have the gospel in my life. It really has kept me alive. And even though Steve thinks, as he told me, that he's just going to rot in the ground after he dies, I think he'll be surprised when he wakes up again.

It Comes Naturally

Sometimes I can be one to stress out about my future.
Well actually, I am ALWAYS one to stress out about my future.
Ever since I entered high school, everyone tells me I need to decide what I want to do with my life. But the older I get, the thought of growing up becomes extremely intimidating.  First of all, I don't really know what to study in college, like what I would be best at. And secondly, I wonder a lot about my future family.
I've always wanted to have a family. I can't even imagine a future life without one. But even that seems a little daunting at times. Babysitting has always been a little awkward for me, and sometimes I wonder what I would be like as a mother. I saw a glimpse of that this weekend.

On Thursday night last week, my little brother (well, not LITTLE, he's 13) got the stomach flu. It struck him in the evening, and in a short time he felt exhausted and quickly fell asleep on the couch. When he awoke, he felt even worse. He sat at the kitchen table where Mom was making menus. He told her he was sick as I walked through the kitchen to get a drink of water before going to bed.
I looked over at him; he looked dreadful. He was pale, tired, and his head was so heavy he had to hold it up with his hand. And despite my normal feelings of irritation towards him, something stirred inside me when I saw him like that. It was kind of a form of sympathy, but taken to the next level. I walked over to where he sat stooped over and scratched his back. I then retrieved a barf bucket and a can of ginger ale from the basement. I took him and his things upstairs, arranged his room, and put him to bed myself.
As I walked down the stairs from his bedroom, I realized that I don't have to stress out about being a good mom, because it really does come naturally to take care of someone you love.

Les Miserables

It's a obsession, really. As of today I have seen it 10 times.
It's an amazing movie (and an amazing stage production), a great story, and amazing music. I really am obsessed with it. I sing the songs constantly and it just brings me such joy... even though it's a pretty depressing story.

I love Les Miserables. A lot.

I just need one of my friends to love it with me.

Feeling Small in a Big World

Growing up, I always felt big. TOO big.
First off, I hit my growth spurt early. Secondly, I became worried about matters concerning my weight at an early age, earlier than most little girls. At the time, though, it didn't seem like something that was mine or anyone's fault, it was just the way I was. I was big. And I didn't like it.
As I grew up a bit and entered my pre-teen years, I watched my mom try diet after diet and realized that maybe being big wasn't completely unavoidable as part of my identity as I thought it was all through my childhood.
I've struggled with weight loss ever since, and the only times I have ever succeeded was when I ate practically nothing... and obviously that method was hard to uphold.
So my size, along with other things, made my life a struggle for many years.

Well I've learned a lot in the past couple years, and I've realized I'm not that big at all. I'm in the the tiny 2% of the world that is LDS. I'm a girl, and a youth; that leaves us .5%. I also have green eyes. .0001%. With every little thing, the percentage gets smaller, all the way down to me. Precisely .00000000014132278% of the world's population. And suddenly, I feel extremely small.

And that's why it's so amazing what a single person can do.
Just a miniscule .00000000014132278% of the world
can change the world.

You may feel big, or your may feel small, but you are important.

So I'd like to end this post with my favorite scripture:
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things." Alma 26:12

New Blog

When I was thirteen I started a blog called Daily Drama, and I have loved blogging ever since.
But now that I'm sixteen, my old blog and old posts seem a little naive and ridiculous.

I have high hopes for this new blog.

Daily Drama can be found at http://tessahatchett.blogspot.com.