Monday, December 23, 2013

I'll Be Home For Christmas

A lot of people are going skiing or sledding, or shopping for gifts. They might be traveling in airplanes or cars or trains to go visit their loved ones. They might be reading good books or playing fun video games. They might be making Christmas pies and treats to drop on the neighbor's doorstep.
I'm not. I'm sitting in my heated home, under a warm blanket and a warm dog, doing absolutely nothing. I like it like that.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dandelion Seeds

"I hardly write anymore because I didn't want to disappoint you guys like I keep disappointing myself. I wanted you to think I'm strong. But I feel weak, and ignoring it isn't making it go away. Plus no one who reads this blog really cares anyway, like this post isn't going to change anyone's life. I'll post it, and it will be lost in cyberspace like a dandelion seed in the wind."

That was the very end of a long post I just wrote and decided not to publish. I wrote a lot just now, and I cried a lot too. I wrote about how I lost all hope. But I couldn't post it. Why not? I asked myself. Because I didn't want to solidify it--I didn't want to put the final stamp and signature on my Failure Certificate. And I think that's because I do have hope. Contrary to what I've been telling myself, I do have hope for life to get better, or I would have posted those things I wrote earlier today. Maybe I will feel better one day. On that day I'll write a killer blog post.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The 5th of December

I've never been one to hide my birthday. I love birthdays. I love singing and candles and family and sweet things. There is nothing better.
Everyone keeps asking, "What does it feel like to be 17?" I always say it feels the same, but that's not true. Today doesn't feel like yesterday, or the day before. Because I spend so much of my life worrying and overanalyzing and sometimes wishing I didn't have to live.
But one day a year, I get 24 hours to simply celebrate being alive, surrounded by the people who make it worth it.
Huge thanks to everyone who made my birthday so special. Family, friends, and internet stalkers alike. I love you guys.