Snapshots: What's Up

A truck casually destroying the field behind my house:

Me trying to ice skate and failing:

(this picture was taken just as my skates turned and I ran into the wall)

Monday's hair:

(Sorry for the crappy quality on all of these. My cell phone struggles to take decent pictures.)

Make a Wish

Today was the last day of school / yearbook day. I was feeling pretty decent this morning; I was relieved that the school year is finally over. To be completely honest, I kind of hate high school. There are a lot of days when everyone is mean and the homework is hard and I'm really not looking forward to going back. It feels like a prison / asylum / outer darkness. Too bad I'm only a sophomore.
Anyway, I walked to school by myself at 7:20, like usual, to discover that today school doesn't start until 8:45, and we didn't even have classes. I met up with Ale when she got out of ARC, but then I remembered something super important. I had a school fee for a class that I only had one day because of schedule changes at the beginning of the year, which I had totally forgotten to take care of earlier. (You can't get your yearbook if you have fines.) Ale cooperatively followed me to the financial office, where we found a  g i a n t  line that looked something like this:

There really was no other option than to stand in it.  You can't just pay $50 for a yearbook to not get one. We stood in line for a little over 45 minutes. It was boiling hot. It should be illegal to put that many body heat producing people in the same room. When I made it to the window, I told the lady about my unnecessary fine. 

"Okay," she said as she punched numbers into her computer, "but you still have a library fine."

Library fine??! I never get books from the school library.

When she told me which book it was, the light came on. I checked it out during one of those English class days when the teacher says everyone has to check out a book for book reports, but you never actually read it because you already have a different book to fulfill the assignment. Yeah. That one. Apparently that stupid book I never even read built up a nice little pile of fines.

"Go get the book and bring it back," the office lady said to me. And with that, I was out of the line and walking down the hallway towards the doors. I remembered where that book was, so I walked home. I retrieved the book and some money, changed my shoes, and walked all the way back to the school just in time to see an even BIGGER line and the student council members beginning to unpack the yearbooks.

For the next hour and a half, everyone scurried around with Sharpies, giggling and writing their signatures all over their peers' books. All I did was stand in line. Brenda, Ale, and Sarah went to get Brenda's crush's signature, people started filtering out of the school, and I stood in line. I filled out the form for overdue books while I waited. Ale held my place for me so I could retrieve my yearbook (they didn't even check for fines), but the entire time I only got a whopping four signatures. Out of my school of 1500 kids, I got four signatures today. You can call me Miss Popular. All I did was stand in line for a really, really long time. My feet were killing me and I felt like crap by the time I made it to the window AGAIN. I held out my hand, on which was perched the book, the form, and the money. 

"I'm sorry," she said, "You need a stamp from the library."

I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. This was absurd. "You mean I have to stand in this line AGAIN?" I inquired, shocked, "I've stood in it twice today!"

"That's just how things work around here," she replied.

I walked into the library. My palms felt hot. I cannot stand in that line again. No one had told me I needed a dumb stamp. Heck, no one warned me that school books have late fines in the first place! I was frustrated beyond belief. I turned in my book and got my stamp.

"Is there any way I could pay my fines here?" I asked the librarian hopefully, but I was turned down. I walked away from the librarian's desk and towards my friends who were sitting at one of the tables. "What did she say?" they asked. I have never felt so frustrated. I started crying.

I sat down at the chair next to them, buried my face in my hands, and cried for a good few minutes. I cannot stand in that line again. Sarah and Brenda disappeared one by one and soon it was just Ale and I. We talked as I cooled down.

"11:11 make a wish," Ale said dully.

"I wish my life didn't suck," I pouted. 

She laughed at that, and we decided to check and see how long the line was and discovered it to be slightly shorter. Ale's mom came to pick her up. Now that my feet were rested and I was done crying, I stood in line for about 15 minutes and FINALLY got everything taken care of. The not-so-nice lady at the desk handed me a small piece of chocolate and I went home.

Man, I hate high school.

Sayonara

Today was finals day for B1, B2, and B3. It seems a little weird to think that I will never go back to those classes again, but I'm not sad. Last year I was sad because I would miss my friends. Now I only have a few friends that I go to school with, and they kind of have their own agenda. They're not ones to take time out of their day for me (unless they agree to a photoshoot because they want a new profile picture). But that's fine, I mean, we're growing up, right? We're becoming individuals. Anyway I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of this summer alone, doing online classes, reading, driving, and working. And I've learned to be okay with that.
Sayonara 10th grade.

Fresh Fruit

I'm sure it's obvious enough that I wasn't having a good day yesterday, but it ended up being good.
Turns out my [over] 72 hour headache ended just in time for me to go to a concert... thank the heavens above for that. I went to the Orem High choir concert (basically all of my friends from jr. high go there). I'm not going to transfer out of Timpanogos, but sometimes I really miss those kids. They are such gems, and they greeted me so warmly last night. There were people that hardly spoke to me at CVJH, but now that I go to a different school, they seemed ecstatic to see me, as if we've been friends all along. It made me think, maybe more people noticed me than I thought. I always felt rather invisible, but I continue to be surprised at how many people know my name.
Also, I felt happy. I felt happy because I felt new. Being with all these people from my past, I realized how I different I am. No matter how much of a loser I have felt like recently, I'm definitely less of one since last year. I've grown and learned so many new things. Heck, I'd say I've learned more stuff in my classes this year than any other year of school. It was refreshing to see myself from that perspective. Not as a forgotten, dried up and rotting fruit, but one freshly picked from the tree and put in a decorative bowl with the others. You can laugh at that all you want... I'm feeling fresh.

A Certain Kind of Pain

I've had a headache for three days straight.
Last week I developed a stye in my eye (deja vu), and it soon reached the point when my right eye was hurting so much that it gave me a headache.
It hasn't gone away.
My eye feels pretty good after I've been medicating it for days, but the headache seems to have made itself comfortable in my poor throbbing head.

This has made all of my end-of-the-year projects and tests a huge struggle this week. Yesterday I was more worn out than ever. I couldn't do anything that involved thinking, even after taking an Ibuprofen. I slept on the couch for a while, was awakened by my brother's loud friends, and didn't feel any better (which is weird; usually a nap fixes everything).
Today wasn't much different. I plodded through my classes, and the only really brain-straining thing I did was write a poem called "Anxious Heart." Finally in B4 Digital Photo after a long day at school, the teacher was cramming information into our heads the entire class period in preparation for the test.
I looked at my reflection in my computer screen, and I've never seen such pain in my eyes. It wasn't how I see myself washing my make-up off after crying, it was more like the weight of the world. I SAW the pounding in my head shining through my face. It bounced from the image of me into my pupils and back into my throbbing brain. It was sharp, and it hurt. I looked away.

I wonder if there are people out there who feel that every time they look in the mirror. I can't even imagine that kind of pain.

Song Obsessions: May

I'd like to welcome all of my 5 sweet followers to this blog's first Song Obsessions post. (If you read this blog and aren't officially following, I invite you to press the "join this site" button down below on the right. Thanks!) --->

Do your knees go weak?

Does you tongue get twisted?

Are you afraid to close your eyes

Cause you might miss this?

~Rocketship by Shane Harper~

You think it feels right, but you don't know.

You've got everything  you wanted, but you're not sure.

You can say what you please, if that's all that you need

To believe it's getting better, you can blame it on me.

~Blame It On Me by Parachute~

It feels just like it was yesterday

We were in love, why's it falling apart?

I've never been one to walk away,

But I've had enough and it's breaking my heart.

~Bad by The Cab~

I could have saved so much time for us

Had I seen the way to get to where I am today.

~I'd Rather Be With You by Joshua Radin~

Grateful.

I've put up a lot of walls lately. Sometimes I laugh about serious things to hide how I actually feel, and I often poke fun at myself. I try to pretend to be tough; I want people to see me as strong, unlike they did in the past. It gets harder and harder to open up as the years pass.
Every once in a while, though, I just need someone to see through the mask. I need someone to know that I'm not always okay, and to simply tell me to keep going. I'm grateful for those than can and aren't afraid to do that.

No One Cares

I think that one of the most relevant lessons I've learned this year is that no one really cares.

There isn't any use in constantly complaining about your life to other people; 87% of the time they couldn't care less.
Don't be constantly self-conscious. No one is judging you, they're hardly even paying attention to you at all.
You can't expect your friends to do anything for you. Most people won't drop everything for you, so don't set yourself up for disappointment.

It's just one of those things in life that you can't avoid. Everyone is selfish, and that's a fact. So stop worrying about what other people can do for you, or if other people like you. Ultimately, the only person who will always be there to take care of you is yourself. Learn how to keep yourself in line. Teach yourself how to be happy. Because if you don't care, then absolutely no one else on Earth does.