Thanks A Lot.

Braden caught a cold last week, and I prayed to God I wouldn't get sick. Braden's cold lasted a few days, but I knew if I caught it that it would last at least 2 weeks. (Thanks, crappy immune system.) I prayed fervently for days. And you know what happened? Last night I didn't sleep a wink because of all the congestion in my head.
Aaand school starts tomorrow. Awesome.

Never & Always

I can't remember a time when I wasn't obsessed with my big sister Kayla. She played Barbies with me and painted my toenails.. She read me books almost every night, which I loved (except The Witches by Roald Dahl. That book is terrifying). She let me climb in her bed a time or two after I had a nightmare even though she HATED it. Growing up I literally thought she was the most beautiful person in the world. Whenever I heard her complain about herself I was shocked because in my eyes she was perfect and I would have given anything to grow up to be just like her.
Over the years as I have gotten older and more mature we have become the best of friends. When she first moved out and got married she would take me on adventures or we would go to plays or rent movies. A few more years passed and she had Andrea. For my entire sophomore year I would walk home from school to her house instead of mine every Monday. She fed me a snack and we talked about our lives, played with Annie, and watched recorded episodes of Once Upon a Time.
This summer it all changed when she had her second child, Samuel, and moved away from Orem and up into South Salt Lake. My heart broke.
This week, with the anxieties of school building back up, I became lonely and frustrated that she wouldn't be there to see me through the next year. I resented the eight year gap between us. If we were closer in age, I could have spent a lot more time with her during these years. But because we are so far apart, she has to keep growing up and moving on and doing bigger things than hang out with me. I was down in the dumps and I wished I had a sister my age who could sit on my bed and tell me everything is going to be okay.
But then last night a funny thing happened. I was fresh out of the shower and I texted Hannah (my friend/neighbor who I grew up with) about a cut I had on my elbow. Minutes later, she came into my room with a box of Disney princess band aids. She stayed for a while and we talked about clothes and girly things. When she left and I tucked myself into bed, I thought about how grateful I was for Hannah Cox. She really is like the little sister I never had... but always had.

I'm so grateful for all of the people in my life. Not just my family, but also the people who have become family to me. We are all put in each others' lives for a reason. I know there is a reason for the eight year gap between Kayla and I. Her maturity got me through SO MUCH, especially in my early teen years. She will always be an important person in my life, even until we are crinkly old women, and I look forward to that. And I know someday when I am a crinkly old woman I will tell my grandkids about the Coxes and how awesome they are. Someday I may not remember The Witches by Roald Dahl or Disney princess band aids, but I will always remember how much all of these beautiful people mean to me.

Song Obsessions: August

I'm pretty into some pop rock/pop alternative bands lately. These are some of my fave.

Old, but I'm not that old;

Young, but I'm not that bold.

~Counting Stars by OneRepublic~

The memory is rising fast,

It's seeping in through every crack.

Funny how it all comes back

When you're trying to forget it.

~Hurricane by Parachute~

It's stuff like this that makes me wish that I could change somehow.

Sitting here at home it's obvious

She's so out of reach, and I'm finding it hard

Cause she makes me feel like I'm trying too hard.

~Try Hard by 5 Seconds of Summer~

Let them wonder how we got this far,

But I don't really need to wonder at all,

Cause after all this time I'm still into you.

~Still Into You by Paramore~

This last one doesn't go with the theme, but I love it to death.

You built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I'm gonna try.
~Beneath Your Beautiful by Labrinth feat. Emeli Sande~

Choice Crazy Teen Award

Do you ever have moments when you honestly feel like you're going insane? Because that's how I felt yesterday: literally crazy. I was standing on a porch in my pajamas, pacifying myself with an old Slurpee straw so I wouldn't bite my hand or rip off my fingernails, and I could of sworn I was falling off my rocker.

But let's back it up a bit.
I get really excited for things. I look at what life has to offer, pick something, and obsess over it. And this summer, like many summers before, I picked the Teen Choice Awards. I voted religiously. I told my family weeks in advance that on August 11th I claimed the TV at 7:00. When August 11th came, I was pumped up and ready to squeal on the couch for two hours. One Direction were opening the show this year.

My entire family was over for dinner, even my adult siblings and their families. At 6:55 I went downstairs and typed "13" into the remote. It was fuzzy. FOX 13 was fuzzy. I surfed through more channels, hoping, but hardly any of our channels would work. "MOM WHAT DO I DO!?" I yelled upstairs, "SOMEONE HELP ME!" I was in a panic. I couldn't miss the opening number. Janell and Braden started goofing off with the TV, trying to see what they could do, but apparently they were doing it too slowly because I became even more frustrated. At 7:10 my freak out mode was activated. I had been so excited for this for months only to have a stupid fuzzy TV. I was yelling at my siblings and telling them to fix it, but it was obvious they couldn't. My brother-in-law Paul was rolling his eyes at me and that's when I realized my behavior did not look rational at all. I left the room, went upstairs, and sat on the living room couch. I started crying. I knew, logically, that something like the TCAs shouldn't be such a big deal, but I couldn't brush away the overwhelming feeling of disappointment that the past 4 months had led up to. My parents came in and started messing with the old TV upstairs. It didn't work either. Mom used my phone to call Comcast and she was on the phone for 45 minutes to no avail. When I got my phone back, I texted Ally and vented about how upset I was. She told me I could come over to her house and watch it.

So there I was at 8:30, August 11th: standing on a porch in my pajamas, pacifying myself with an old Slurpee straw so I wouldn't bite my hand or rip off my fingernails, and I could of sworn I was falling off my rocker.
They let me in and Ally's brothers gave me weird looks while I curled up on the couch and continued to chew on my straw. I felt like I was 2 years old. I watched the last 30 minutes of the TCAs and after it was over I walked into the kitchen to get a drink of water. Ally asked if I liked the show. Even though I didn't really get to see any of the people I had hoped to, it still helped to at least watch some of it. Ally painted my nails raspberry red with gel polish. I was still a little out of it, but after sitting in her kitchen for a few hours just talking and painting, I felt a world better.
Ally totally saved my sanity last night.
...But just in time for me to have won the Choice Crazy Teen award from everyone in my family. I think they're traumatized.

Instrumental

I've been struggling with some things recently, and sometimes I feel like I'm alone in my hardships. It's difficult to ask for help. I don't want to be a bother, or to seem too vulnerable. And sometimes I'm just thinking, Come on, God, throw me a bone. Because sometimes I just need an extra boost to keep me going. After a few weeks of feeling that way, on Sunday evening it turned around. I recieved two notes and a plate of cookies from some of my friends. I am reminded that God works through people and if I try to help others the best I can, I, too, can be an instrument in His hands.