I'll Be Home For Christmas

A lot of people are going skiing or sledding, or shopping for gifts. They might be traveling in airplanes or cars or trains to go visit their loved ones. They might be reading good books or playing fun video games. They might be making Christmas pies and treats to drop on the neighbor's doorstep.
I'm not. I'm sitting in my heated home, under a warm blanket and a warm dog, doing absolutely nothing. I like it like that.

Dandelion Seeds

"I hardly write anymore because I didn't want to disappoint you guys like I keep disappointing myself. I wanted you to think I'm strong. But I feel weak, and ignoring it isn't making it go away. Plus no one who reads this blog really cares anyway, like this post isn't going to change anyone's life. I'll post it, and it will be lost in cyberspace like a dandelion seed in the wind."

That was the very end of a long post I just wrote and decided not to publish. I wrote a lot just now, and I cried a lot too. I wrote about how I lost all hope. But I couldn't post it. Why not? I asked myself. Because I didn't want to solidify it--I didn't want to put the final stamp and signature on my Failure Certificate. And I think that's because I do have hope. Contrary to what I've been telling myself, I do have hope for life to get better, or I would have posted those things I wrote earlier today. Maybe I will feel better one day. On that day I'll write a killer blog post.

The 5th of December

I've never been one to hide my birthday. I love birthdays. I love singing and candles and family and sweet things. There is nothing better.
Everyone keeps asking, "What does it feel like to be 17?" I always say it feels the same, but that's not true. Today doesn't feel like yesterday, or the day before. Because I spend so much of my life worrying and overanalyzing and sometimes wishing I didn't have to live.
But one day a year, I get 24 hours to simply celebrate being alive, surrounded by the people who make it worth it.
Huge thanks to everyone who made my birthday so special. Family, friends, and internet stalkers alike. I love you guys.

Song Obsessions: November (& October)

I don't mind if there's not much to say.

Sometimes the silence guides our minds.

~Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood~

We live in cities you'll never see on screen,

Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things.

~Team by Lorde~

No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally,

I'm gonna love myself the way I want you to love me.

~Love Me by Katy Perry~

Without you I'm just lost, incomplete.

You feel like home to me.

~Falling In by Lifehouse~

ALSO: One Direction's new album, Midnight Memories, leaked online and it is fantastic. It's the biggest jam for a pop-rock lover such as I. I highly recommend it. It comes out November 25th.

The Giving Trees

My backyard smells like sawdust. It's sad. Good bye, poplars.

"I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something... but I have nothing left. I am an old stump. I am sorry..."

"I don't need very much now," said the boy, "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."

"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."

~The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

Father Time Is a Fast Runner

I just keep being forced to grow up faster than I want to. Every day there's something new I have to figure out.
As you know, I've been working at a real job the past month. Some days it's good, some days my feet hurt and it's hard. Once I received my first paycheck my feet hurt a little less. But this week they're hurting a lot, because I have to work from 3:00-10:00 on my mom's birthday. I'm missing the whole party. So lame.
Also, last week I went to the doctor to get some medicine for another stye on my eye, and the conversation led to the doctor telling me I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's a permanent condition that I'll have to battle my entire life, which sucks. Then I went over to the hospital and had my blood drawn for the first time in my life. This week I'm supposed to find out my blood test results. It's kind of nerve-wracking. This all probably sounds really dumb to all of you (all 3 of my readers), but it's been a growing up experience for me.

To all of you little girls out there: Don't wish to grow up! It's 500% less fun than it looks. Enjoy where you are. Being a kid is rad.