Song Obsessions: February & March 2016

I think I talk to much

I need to listen, baby

I need to listen good

I think I try too hard

How I look, what I do, what I'm saying

I spent too much time explaining myself

~Cry Baby by The Neighbourhood~

All this driving is driving me crazy

And all this moving is proving to get the best of me

And I've been trying to hide it, but lately

Every time I think I'm better, picking my head up

Getting nowhere

~Ease by Troye Sivan~

Do I look lonely?
I see the shadows on my face
People have told me I don't look the same

~Death of a Bachelor by Panic! at the Disco~

I can't tell you why
Because my brain can't equate it
Tell me your lies
Because I just can't face it

~It's You by Zayn~

Feel like a brand new person
(But you make the same old mistakes)
I don't care, I'm in love
(Stop before it's too late)

~New Person, Same Old Mistakes by Tame Impala~

You built a city
All in your head
You know you're not losing your mind
What's left you make something of it

~Wildflower by Beach House~

Songs That Got Me Through 2015

I was super M.I.A. last year on this blog because honestly I've been focusing a lot more on journaling. I don't think anyone really reads this anyway, so it's cool. But I've been jamming a ton lately and if your music taste is anything like mine you might like this post. These songs meant a lot to me in 2015 and I hope you enjoy.

Shadows fill my mind up

Zeros tell me my time's up

I lost count so long ago

Maybe my heart's numb

Don't hold my hands accountable

They're young and they're dumb

Drive through the time zones

Escape out of my mind's own hold

I lost you not long ago

Heaven knows I'm miserable

Hell takes all the credit though

Til the day is done

~The Emotion by BORNS~

I used to recognize myself

It's funny how reflections change

When we're becoming something else

I think it's time to walk away

So come on let it go

Just let it be

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

~Let It Go by James Bay~

After some time, I know I would go blind

But seeing only binds the vision to the eye

I'd lose my voice, I know

But I've nothing left to say

It is nothing left to pray

No echo in this place

~Agoraphobia by Deerhunter~

I put the radio on, hold you tight in my mind

Isn't it strange that you're not here with me

But I know the light's on in the television

Trying to transmit, can you hear me?

~Terrence Loves You by Lana Del Rey~

Think I just remembered something

I think I left the faucet running

Now my words are filling up the tub

Darling, you're just soaking in it

But I know you'll get out the minute

You notice all your fingers pruning up

~Soap by Melanie Martinez~

You say you want the truth, but you can't take it

So I give you lies.

You say you want the best, but you destroy it

So I keep it inside.

~There I Said It by Adam Lambert~

Honorable Mentions:

~Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High by Arctic Monkeys

~Cecilia and the Satellite by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness
~Helicopter by Deerhunter
~As the World Falls Down by David Bowie
~Shake Me Down by Cage the Elephant

b o w i e

I was listening to Teenage Wildlife today. By the man himself, David Bowie, of course. I miss him so much. And I don't post very often on this blog anymore, but I read a YouTube comment on Teenage Wildlife that really struck me. Madeline Gass shared, "Rest In Peace David Bowie. Another burst of colour robbed from our ever-greying world. A virtuosic legend who seemed invincible, but whose works in music, film, fashion, and art are immortal."
When he died, that is truly how I felt. I can't count how many times I've cried. I felt as if something amazing had been robbed from the world, and I still feel that way to some degree, but I realize that he is still very much with us. His works are so immortal that we started to believe he was immortal, too, and that's why his death came as such a shock, I think.
I love Bowie. I love his courage and innovative nature. I love that he made music all the way up until the end of his life. It wasn't about the money, or the fame. It was about making art, making a statement, and changing the world. That is the best way to live. I will always remember Bowie, and I am disappointed that I will never be able to personally thank him for the service he has done for me and countless others. Rest in Peace, Starman. I love you.

Everything

I am a brain. A bundle of mushy cords all stuffed inside of a skull, as if that will prevent it from tangling. In fact, I'm only ten percent of a brain. I am small particles within a tangly, mushy blob.

But I am more than a brain. I am a pair of wide feet with terrible circulation. A pair of arms with reasonably flexible skin, judging by the stretch marks. I am a big butt and big thighs. I am a button nose and chapstick-coated lips. I am vocal cords. I am a body with muscles and bruises and a black eye.

And that's not all. I am 18 years worth of photographs. Two and a half journals with missing pages and ticket stubs pasted inside. I am a striped afghan with a hole in the bottom left side. I am a box of Corn Flakes. I am a closet full of clothes. I am a collage of things and fibers and cells and nerves and dreams and nightmares and mushy cords.

My name is Tessa Hatchett. I am a college student. I am an employee. I am a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I am agnostic. I am an intellectual and a philosopher, but I am still a child: goofy and needy and fragile and forgiving. I am a fat bikini-wearer with the will to love herself. I am emotional and logical. I am a piece in the life puzzle of hundreds of people. I am a person. I am so much more than I thought I was twenty-four hours ago when I was cried that I was worth nothing. In fact, I am so many things, I am nearly everything. You are everything, too, and that is definitely worth something.

I'd always thought of he and I as friends, but today I realized we don't actually know that much about each other. We were only friends through her. But she isn't herself. Neither of us know who she even is anymore.

2014: Through Selfies and Snapchats

2014 was difficult. I feel like this is how I start every new year post, but I guess every year just gets comparably worse. This year I attended frequent sessions with a doctor, a nutritionist, and a therapist... all seemingly to no avail. I moved, attended 3 different wards, cried, painted pictures of my old house, and pined for a stable life.
On the other hand, I vacationed to Vegas, California/Disneyland, Idaho, St. Louis/Six Flags, and Illinois. I sang in Chamber Choir, went to a formal dance, was accepted into both colleges I applied to, sang along to concerts, went on dates, bought a new phone, cuddled with my dog every night, and made memories with friends and family that will last forever. That is why I am writing this post. Because this year was arguably the hardest year of my life, but it was full of adventure.

Perspective

Last Saturday I was at the school early in the morning practicing for choir. I drove all the way there, found a spot in the parking lot, and pulled out my phone to make a snapchat lightly complaining about my situation. I opened the app and held it at the appropriate selfie angle. But when the app loaded and the camera opened, it wasn't on forward-facing, but was pointing outside my little car and into the massive expanse of the sky. What I saw was breathtaking. The clouds were voluminous, reflecting the light of the sun, and filled my screen with an almost magical beauty. How did I miss such a sight on the entire drive here? How could I be so blind? I knew the answer. I was only looking at myself. My single-mindedness was holding me back from all of the good things surrounding me. I was reminded to flip my camera more in life.
Take the time to focus on what is around you; if you only focus on yourself, you miss out on the exquisite beauty of your own environment. Open your eyes to a new perspective. You don't know yet what you will find.

More

When people day they are nothing without church, that makes me sad.
Because you are more than your religion.
More than your race.
More than your school.
More than your money.

You are a beautiful, interesting, complex, and unique person, and it's wrong to overlook all of that to fit a stereotype. Don't label yourself! I know I've said this before, but I can't stand it. I wish people could see themselves for who they are on the inside, rather than by the things they have and are involved with on the outside.

10 Things My Future Husband Needs to Know About Me

1. I'm lactose intolerant, but I really love dairy. (Don't let me have too much.)
2. I like to buy you little surprises and gifts once in a while, so let me know what your favorite things are.
3. Lost by Michael Buble is my sad song. If you hear it, give me a hug.
4. I hate being wet. So don't splash me while you help me do the dishes.
5. I like to be pampered when I'm sick.
6. I'm not great at sewing, but I know how to patch jeans if you need me to.
7. I may not be able to have children, nor am I sure if I want any.
8. However, I do want a dog.
9. I'm a picky eater, but I'll still make your favorite foods, even if I won't eat them. (More for you, right?)
10. Lastly-- I love you, even when I'm upset. I promise.

Song of the Day

When was the last time you thought of me?

Or have you completely erased me from your memory?

I often think about where I went wrong.

The more I do, the less I know.

I know I have a fickle heart, and a bitterness,

and a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head.

But don't you remember?

Don't you remember

The reason you loved me before?

Please remember me once more.

I gave you the space so you could breathe.

I kept my distance so you would be free,

And hoped that you'd find the missing piece

To bring you back to me.

Why don't you remember?

~Don't You Remember by Adele~

Grown Ups

Responsibility is always having a place to be, and lacking the time to go to the all of the places you want to go. It's having money, but always having people you have to give it up to. It's working hour upon hour to afford rent, only so you can keep the apartment that you hardly get to live in because you're at work all the time. It's losing your childhood friends that you don't have the time and resources to keep up with anymore. It's everything pressuring you, and if you do well, you're pressured to do even better, and there's no amount of things you can accomplish to stop being pressured. Being grown up is all responsibility. I don't know why I ever wanted that.

Grand Re-Opening

I haven't written since late January, but a lot has happened since then, so I'll give you the basic update: I quit my job at McDonald's and went to work for Panda Express. I went on a date with a guy I really like, and then never saw him again. I got 27 on the ACT (not horrible). I lost 12 pounds... Still have a long way to go. I started seeing a psychiatrist, and started taking an herbal supplement called "Sunny Mood"; we'll see how that goes. I moved away from my childhood home I've been in for 14 years and moved to a big twin home a couple stoplights away. I went to girls camp with my ward and had to say goodbye to them. There was a lot of crying involved. I read three books, watched a lot of movies, and finished every episode of Glee on Netflix. I dyed my hair slightly darker and redder, bought a spice rack for my nail polish, and built a shelf all by myself.
Aaaaand I guess that's about it. Contact me if there's anything you want to hear more about, and I will be happy to expound.
Welcome back to the blog.

Where the Heart Is

 Middle May,

I drive away

in my little silver Dodge.

Sun so hot it bites my skin,

As I bite my lip

to hold the tears.

Home Sweet Home,

But now it's gone.

I'll miss it every day.

Red shutters on a yellow house

morph into brown and gray.

New ward,

new things,

But they all seem old and dry.

New bench,

and every Sunday,

silently I cry.

New people,

no friends,

I walk the streets alone.

This isn't where my heart belongs,

I no longer live at home.

Middle June,

I drive by

my old house on 110.

In the window,

I can see,

all the walls are painted tan.

The colors are gone,

and so is my home,

I'm missing a part of me.

I must be the first to live in a house

So completely homelessly.

*me complaining about responsibility*

To whoever I've ever told that I wanted to grow up: I take it back. Growing up is not fun at all. I don't even feel like a human anymore, I feel like a little robot. All I do is go from place to place, attempting to fulfill my many responsibilities and still manage to get some sleep in between (that part doesn't always happen). And at age 17, in all of these places I am just pushed around. I'm always the inferior, I'm always bugging someone for help, and I'm always surrounded by people I don't really want to be around. I really just want to take a step back, be alone, and breathe for two seconds, but apparently that's not in the description of being an adult. Isn't that gross? I'll be 18 this year. Disgusting.
In other news, I'm switching jobs. Sayonara, McDonald's. (or should I say Adios?) I'm a Panda Express girl now. It's been real, but I'm not getting paid enough for the crap I have to deal with.
Also, at the new semester, I've started a Creative Writing class. I've decided I'll post some of the things I write for my class on here, so you guys can read something other than me ranting and complaining about my life. As much as everyone loves that..

The Evolution of my Eyebrows

I'm 100% sure that anyone who is really close to me saw this post coming. I've struggled with my eyebrows for years. This weekend, when my mom had me clean out some old school things and pictures, I was reminded of all of the horrific states my poor brows have been in. So enjoy this series of photos, and feel free to shed a tear or two on my face's behalf. (BONUS CONTENT: Crappily applied make up)

 2009: All natural

2010: Waxed and kind of tweezed

2010:  Extremely over-tweezed

2011: Growing back

2012: Grown out, but thin and invisible

2013: .....Eyebrow penciled

2013: Misshapen and overdrawn

2013: Toned down

2014

So basically all I accomplished in 2013 was learning what NOT to do with make up. Cheers to 2014.

Happy 2014.

Confession #976421: I HATE New Years.
"Ah, the new year," I wrote on January 1, 2013. "People say, 'What goes up must come down.' But in that moment when you're sitting in the 20-foot ditch 2012 threw you in, you really just want to make a new rule that says, 'What goes down must come UP.' That'd really be nice for a change."
Less than a week later I wrote, "I'm not okay. I'm sure I'll be okay later; I'm just not right now." Well, later never really came in 2013. This New Years has probably been the most depressing of any year before. I made 0 goals, and I didn't want to. I hate that whole fresh start thing, because we treat every year like it's own separate thing. Everyone thinks the new year and their new life is a package deal, but it's not. In a week or two you'll be back to doing whatever tedious and repetitive things you did last year. Writing a 4 instead of a 3 on your checks won't make your bills any cheaper. Wishing you could lose 50 pounds won't make you any thinner. But maybe that's what I hate about New Years goals: no one ever does anything about them. I never do anything about them. And now the beginning of the year just represents all of the things I failed to do last year. I hate that.

I'll Be Home For Christmas

A lot of people are going skiing or sledding, or shopping for gifts. They might be traveling in airplanes or cars or trains to go visit their loved ones. They might be reading good books or playing fun video games. They might be making Christmas pies and treats to drop on the neighbor's doorstep.
I'm not. I'm sitting in my heated home, under a warm blanket and a warm dog, doing absolutely nothing. I like it like that.

Dandelion Seeds

"I hardly write anymore because I didn't want to disappoint you guys like I keep disappointing myself. I wanted you to think I'm strong. But I feel weak, and ignoring it isn't making it go away. Plus no one who reads this blog really cares anyway, like this post isn't going to change anyone's life. I'll post it, and it will be lost in cyberspace like a dandelion seed in the wind."

That was the very end of a long post I just wrote and decided not to publish. I wrote a lot just now, and I cried a lot too. I wrote about how I lost all hope. But I couldn't post it. Why not? I asked myself. Because I didn't want to solidify it--I didn't want to put the final stamp and signature on my Failure Certificate. And I think that's because I do have hope. Contrary to what I've been telling myself, I do have hope for life to get better, or I would have posted those things I wrote earlier today. Maybe I will feel better one day. On that day I'll write a killer blog post.

The 5th of December

I've never been one to hide my birthday. I love birthdays. I love singing and candles and family and sweet things. There is nothing better.
Everyone keeps asking, "What does it feel like to be 17?" I always say it feels the same, but that's not true. Today doesn't feel like yesterday, or the day before. Because I spend so much of my life worrying and overanalyzing and sometimes wishing I didn't have to live.
But one day a year, I get 24 hours to simply celebrate being alive, surrounded by the people who make it worth it.
Huge thanks to everyone who made my birthday so special. Family, friends, and internet stalkers alike. I love you guys.