Song Obsessions: February & March 2016

I think I talk to much

I need to listen, baby

I need to listen good

I think I try too hard

How I look, what I do, what I'm saying

I spent too much time explaining myself

~Cry Baby by The Neighbourhood~

All this driving is driving me crazy

And all this moving is proving to get the best of me

And I've been trying to hide it, but lately

Every time I think I'm better, picking my head up

Getting nowhere

~Ease by Troye Sivan~

Do I look lonely?
I see the shadows on my face
People have told me I don't look the same

~Death of a Bachelor by Panic! at the Disco~

I can't tell you why
Because my brain can't equate it
Tell me your lies
Because I just can't face it

~It's You by Zayn~

Feel like a brand new person
(But you make the same old mistakes)
I don't care, I'm in love
(Stop before it's too late)

~New Person, Same Old Mistakes by Tame Impala~

You built a city
All in your head
You know you're not losing your mind
What's left you make something of it

~Wildflower by Beach House~

Songs That Got Me Through 2015

I was super M.I.A. last year on this blog because honestly I've been focusing a lot more on journaling. I don't think anyone really reads this anyway, so it's cool. But I've been jamming a ton lately and if your music taste is anything like mine you might like this post. These songs meant a lot to me in 2015 and I hope you enjoy.

Shadows fill my mind up

Zeros tell me my time's up

I lost count so long ago

Maybe my heart's numb

Don't hold my hands accountable

They're young and they're dumb

Drive through the time zones

Escape out of my mind's own hold

I lost you not long ago

Heaven knows I'm miserable

Hell takes all the credit though

Til the day is done

~The Emotion by BORNS~

I used to recognize myself

It's funny how reflections change

When we're becoming something else

I think it's time to walk away

So come on let it go

Just let it be

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

~Let It Go by James Bay~

After some time, I know I would go blind

But seeing only binds the vision to the eye

I'd lose my voice, I know

But I've nothing left to say

It is nothing left to pray

No echo in this place

~Agoraphobia by Deerhunter~

I put the radio on, hold you tight in my mind

Isn't it strange that you're not here with me

But I know the light's on in the television

Trying to transmit, can you hear me?

~Terrence Loves You by Lana Del Rey~

Think I just remembered something

I think I left the faucet running

Now my words are filling up the tub

Darling, you're just soaking in it

But I know you'll get out the minute

You notice all your fingers pruning up

~Soap by Melanie Martinez~

You say you want the truth, but you can't take it

So I give you lies.

You say you want the best, but you destroy it

So I keep it inside.

~There I Said It by Adam Lambert~

Honorable Mentions:

~Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High by Arctic Monkeys

~Cecilia and the Satellite by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness
~Helicopter by Deerhunter
~As the World Falls Down by David Bowie
~Shake Me Down by Cage the Elephant

b o w i e

I was listening to Teenage Wildlife today. By the man himself, David Bowie, of course. I miss him so much. And I don't post very often on this blog anymore, but I read a YouTube comment on Teenage Wildlife that really struck me. Madeline Gass shared, "Rest In Peace David Bowie. Another burst of colour robbed from our ever-greying world. A virtuosic legend who seemed invincible, but whose works in music, film, fashion, and art are immortal."
When he died, that is truly how I felt. I can't count how many times I've cried. I felt as if something amazing had been robbed from the world, and I still feel that way to some degree, but I realize that he is still very much with us. His works are so immortal that we started to believe he was immortal, too, and that's why his death came as such a shock, I think.
I love Bowie. I love his courage and innovative nature. I love that he made music all the way up until the end of his life. It wasn't about the money, or the fame. It was about making art, making a statement, and changing the world. That is the best way to live. I will always remember Bowie, and I am disappointed that I will never be able to personally thank him for the service he has done for me and countless others. Rest in Peace, Starman. I love you.

Everything

I am a brain. A bundle of mushy cords all stuffed inside of a skull, as if that will prevent it from tangling. In fact, I'm only ten percent of a brain. I am small particles within a tangly, mushy blob.

But I am more than a brain. I am a pair of wide feet with terrible circulation. A pair of arms with reasonably flexible skin, judging by the stretch marks. I am a big butt and big thighs. I am a button nose and chapstick-coated lips. I am vocal cords. I am a body with muscles and bruises and a black eye.

And that's not all. I am 18 years worth of photographs. Two and a half journals with missing pages and ticket stubs pasted inside. I am a striped afghan with a hole in the bottom left side. I am a box of Corn Flakes. I am a closet full of clothes. I am a collage of things and fibers and cells and nerves and dreams and nightmares and mushy cords.

My name is Tessa Hatchett. I am a college student. I am an employee. I am a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I am agnostic. I am an intellectual and a philosopher, but I am still a child: goofy and needy and fragile and forgiving. I am a fat bikini-wearer with the will to love herself. I am emotional and logical. I am a piece in the life puzzle of hundreds of people. I am a person. I am so much more than I thought I was twenty-four hours ago when I was cried that I was worth nothing. In fact, I am so many things, I am nearly everything. You are everything, too, and that is definitely worth something.

I'd always thought of he and I as friends, but today I realized we don't actually know that much about each other. We were only friends through her. But she isn't herself. Neither of us know who she even is anymore.

2014: Through Selfies and Snapchats

2014 was difficult. I feel like this is how I start every new year post, but I guess every year just gets comparably worse. This year I attended frequent sessions with a doctor, a nutritionist, and a therapist... all seemingly to no avail. I moved, attended 3 different wards, cried, painted pictures of my old house, and pined for a stable life.
On the other hand, I vacationed to Vegas, California/Disneyland, Idaho, St. Louis/Six Flags, and Illinois. I sang in Chamber Choir, went to a formal dance, was accepted into both colleges I applied to, sang along to concerts, went on dates, bought a new phone, cuddled with my dog every night, and made memories with friends and family that will last forever. That is why I am writing this post. Because this year was arguably the hardest year of my life, but it was full of adventure.

Perspective

Last Saturday I was at the school early in the morning practicing for choir. I drove all the way there, found a spot in the parking lot, and pulled out my phone to make a snapchat lightly complaining about my situation. I opened the app and held it at the appropriate selfie angle. But when the app loaded and the camera opened, it wasn't on forward-facing, but was pointing outside my little car and into the massive expanse of the sky. What I saw was breathtaking. The clouds were voluminous, reflecting the light of the sun, and filled my screen with an almost magical beauty. How did I miss such a sight on the entire drive here? How could I be so blind? I knew the answer. I was only looking at myself. My single-mindedness was holding me back from all of the good things surrounding me. I was reminded to flip my camera more in life.
Take the time to focus on what is around you; if you only focus on yourself, you miss out on the exquisite beauty of your own environment. Open your eyes to a new perspective. You don't know yet what you will find.